We're heading into 2012 so I guess it's time for the annual "Best of" lists to start coming out. I'll start with the best stories of the last year that I worked at DoubleACS. One of these may have technically been produced in December of 2010 but that's just semantics.
The best part of this interview was me having to run back to the studio to get a battery for the camera since I forgot it as I was leaving. I apologized for it only to have Maddie tell me to "never let it happen again". That sense of humor and relaxed attitude was obvious throughout our conversation as though she was amazed that this would be a story at all. I was astounded by the courage that she, and her family, showed in the situation and the remarkable recovery that she made.
Concussions are a serious issue at all levels of athletics and for some reason when Massachusetts created a law forcing the MIAA to make changes to its regulations and education no one seemed to make a big deal about it. Part of the problem was that no one was quite sure what it would mean for schools, athletes, coaches, or parents. That's still an issue but I was thankful that at least the issue was being addressed.
This was one of my favorite interviews that I did while working at DoubleACS, partially because it came out pretty well but also because it's much easier to interview someone who is excited about the topic. Missy had tons of energy and an infectious enthusiasm for the new job.
This last video I didn't finish editing, but conducted the interview and found the clips from the game action. I had never seen him smile before this interview. He played with aggression and a scowl and until I spoke with him off the field I had no idea he was a funny, gregarious kid.
(Before I go forward with my argument I want to say that I understand what I will propose would never in a million years happen, that large sums of money mean far more than anything else in the era of Glazer-nomics and modern football, plus I’m not even sure that UEFA would allow it BUT I’m all for wishful thinking.)
I think that given the opportunity to take a spot in the knockout round because of issues with Sion and the Swiss FA that United should pass on it and continue on in the Europa League. They had their chance to qualify over the last two games of the group stage against teams that should’ve been beaten and they blew it. They are where they deserve to be and just because UEFA creates an opening doesn’t mean that they should accept it.
This is in some respects an ethical issue. If you didn’t earn the spot on the field, in fact you wasted your opportunity in the easiest group in the competition, then you shouldn’t just be handed a ‘get out of jail free card’. Also, how is it fair to Basel who played outstanding in both games against United and earned their place on the pitch? It makes no sense to punish them for the actions of another team in their league.
This is also about needing to accept limitations. While United always seem to pick up steam around the holidays and the second half of the season, there have been very few Champions League-worthy performances. In the league they’ve been solid if unspectacular but in Europe it has been far worse. Constant lineup changes, some forced and some not, have shown the squad's scary lack of depth. This isn’t a time of rebuilding but it’s certainly a transitional period from the team of Giggs, Scholes, Neville, and Ferdinand to the team of Welbeck, Jones, Cleverley, and Rooney. Playing in the Thursday-Sunday schedule of the Europa League may force Sir Alex’s hand to allow more time for reserve and youth players that many fans have been clamoring to see such as Paul Pogba, Will Keane, and the always interesting Ravel Morrison. Taking this pass to the knockout stages will only cover over the need to hasten the transition.
(Case in point, the last time United was knocked out in the group stages they were knocked out of Europe entirely, also in what should’ve been a routine group. That was in 2005, from 2006-11 the team won the Champions League title and made two more finals, one of the best European run in the club’s history. Sometimes a slap is needed to wake everyone up and get refocused.)
This is also about curiosity. With all due respect to the great teams of Europe I’m kind of interested in United taking on Ajax, Athletic Bilbao, Atletico Madrid, or Udinese. For some reason the novelty factor seems really strong, for me at least, to play in the “secondary” competition. The “penalty” of the Europa League is an interesting test with plenty of challenges ahead. Of course there is always the possibility of a Manchester derby in Bucharest in the spring, which is reason enough to say no to sneaking back into the Champions League.
I know that United are not going to say no to millions of dollars, they are on the side of Harry Redknapp who seems to think that a team should either finish in the top 4 or bottom half to avoid the Europa League, and, given the team’s penchant for finding form after the busy Christmas period, there is still the belief that they could win the competition.
In the end this will end up being a moot point, there is no way the Swiss FA hurts itself and Basel by fighting UEFA, but if it happens and United are given that backdoor pass they should have the guts to say, “thanks, but no thanks”.
It’s been 77 days since the regular season came to a close on September 28th and it has taken me just about that long to collect my thoughts on the atrocity of blowing a 9 ½ game lead in a single month.
The two worst Red Sox collapses in the time that I have been a conscious fan of the team, which discounts 1986 because I was 7 and I’m not sure I even watched the games, have come during two of my most difficult Falls personally. The team’s effort seemed to strongly mirror my own attitude.
2003 will always be the worst collapse because everything seemed perfect. The glorious success that all Red Sox fans had hoped for was in our grasp and our ace, our favorite, Pedro had put the Yankees in their place, but...
By the time Boone ended the season I had left my friends to go home because I just couldn’t take the pain of the inevitable loss.
For reasons I’m not getting into here, 2003 was by far the worst time for me personally and, by a degree of magnitude, is far worse than the current situation. The same can be said for the record-setting atrocity that was the Red Sox in September.
Unlike 2003, there was always something about this year’s squad that seemed weak. The lineup was amazing. Jacoby Ellsbury and Adrien Gonzalez were legitimate MVP candidates, Marco Scutaro dominated the final month, David Ortiz found the fountain of youth (fingers crossed that it wasn’t the fountain of PED but at this point would anything surprise you?), and the combination of Jared Saltalamacchia and Jason Varitek combined to be a mostly productive catcher. Despite the missing in action JD Drew (finally giving up on the pretense of trying to play once a week) and Kevin Youkilis (karma’s a bitch) the Sox were an offensive machine.
The problem that everyone could see coming, but no one wanted to admit, was that the pitching staff sucked. John Lester regressed into a nibbler and always seemed to be pitching out of jams and seemed incapable of getting into the 7th inning. Josh Beckett seemed to be back to his best but there has been confusion on whether or not this was just a lot of good luck or great stuff (and you could read all of the articles on the subject in the time it took him to throw a pitch). Injuries took their toll leaving the fans to watch Kyle Weiland, Andrew Miller, Eric Bedard, and Tim Wakefield try to scrape enough innings to finish the season.
Then there was John Lackey. I want to be sympathetic as he obviously pitched through a lot of pain both physically and emotionally, but the stink of his starts (6.41 ERA, .302 BAA, 1.62 WHIP) won’t be washed away simply with pity. There was never enough blame to go around after he would allow 11 ringing line drives in 5 innings. It was always the stadium design, poor defense, or just bad luck, never just bad pitches left over the middle of the plate. His elbow was always great during bullpen sessions just not when there was an actual hitter at the plate. I hope he comes out in 2013 and is lights out, but I’d be just as happy to see him pitching for the Nationals when that happens.
I don’t want to go into the behind-the-scenes drama that has engulfed the team since the season ended except to say that I can’t erase the image of our starters lined up on the couch in the clubhouse smothered in empty KFC buckets and gravy looking like White Goodman from the final scene of Dodgeball.
It was time for Theo and Tito to move on. It’s been a great nine-year run but new energy was needed. Thanks for introducing the Duck Boat parade to Boston and good luck but it is time to find the next great manager. I’m disappointed that they didn’t take the chance on Sandy Alomar, Jr. he could have been the kind of ex-player/leader that this team was crying out for. Bobby Valentine will keep the seat warm for two years, hopefully for the second choice way back in 2003, Joe Maddon.
The front office is a disaster but the lineup is going to be pretty close to what it was this year. Right field will be up for grabs and Ryan Kalish may finally get his chance at a regular roster spot. If Carl Crawford returns after a season of swinging the bat like Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000 (RIP) then the outfield should be solid. I would love for them to try and trade Youk but who wants an oft injured, angry, teammate bashing, and regressing third baseman? I’m not sold on the return of Kelly Shoppach but look around the league and find more than a handful of catchers that you really want behind the plate everyday.
The focus needs to be on the rotation. There is talk of turning Daniel Bard and Alfredo Aceves into starters, Clay Buchholz should return from injury, Junichi Tazawa will get a bigger look and now a closer has been brought in from the Astros. There is no reason for the panic that has engulfed Red Sox Nation.
The fans have returned to the pre-2004 levels of despair over what has transpired since September 1st. There has to be the recognition that after the collapse of 2003, when it seemed that the only chance we had of ever seeing the Red Sox make the World Series had slipped from our grasp, the team was even better in 2004 and took home the title. Relax fans it will be better again, the team will regroup, the core will return chastened, and the Red Sox will battle for the playoffs just like they always do.
Growing up I was the kid that played laser tag by finding the closest tree to the house and standing behind it hoping with fingers crossed that I would be found right away and could go stand in “jail”. Instead of reveling in the freedom of the shadows, the woods, and the dark I craved the security of a crowd, a fire, or the backyard light.
I don’t enjoy swimming in the ocean. Sure, when I was a kid I’d go to Scarborough Beach to body surf and if I’m drunk at Block Island I’ll jump right in (so I’ve been told) but I can’t get over not being able to see what is below me.
I don’t like outdoor parties where I’m straining to see by the light of a couple of tiki torches or camping where a few pieces of kindling are the only thing separating me from total darkness. I want to be where everything is illuminated.
This isn’t just about a childish fear of the dark (although it’s that too) but about the metaphor of avoiding the unknown. It’s about my needing the security blanket of friends and family and my inability to strike out on my own to find my way through unforeseen adversity. We’ve all seen enough horror movies to know that what shocks and frightens us most is what we don’t see coming, what we can’t anticipate.
I have lived most of my life hidden underneath my security blanket. I am the scared little kid sucking his thumb because I’m afraid the monsters under my bed are going to get me. I am a creature of habit because there is safety in routines. There is security in never taking a chance.
I know the way to break the cycle of misery that I’ve been in since August is to push myself, to face up to my demons, and to venture out into the darkness and see what I’m capable of. It’s time to grow up, to stop imagining the dangers hidden in every shadow, and to push myself into a brave new world to succeed or fail on my own. It’s time to stop making excuses, to stop holding back, to stop waiting for someone to hand it all to me.
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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide. I don’t need someone to take away my shoelaces or sharp objects, but every night when I’m lying at home wondering if I’ll be able to pay my bills, every morning when I wake up wondering if it’s even worth getting out of bed, my heart starts racing, my mind swirls with worst case scenarios and I can’t help but wondering, ‘Would it just be easier if…’
Last weekend I woke up on Sunday morning, did my usual scan of Twitter, and read about Gary Speed found hanged in his house. I was shook to my core. Possibly it was the cold brutality implied in that particular method of suicide or the shocking randomness of who died, but I felt overwhelmed. I’ve been depressed my whole life (not diagnosed, but I’m not going to get many people who argue otherwise) but I haven’t felt as empty as I have in these past few months since high school. For some reason, I was suddenly afraid of myself and for myself. I kept thinking, “If he could do it…”
(I’ve tried to figure out why Gary Speed hit me so hard. I’ve watched him play and I know it seemed so out of character from the player everyone admired, but his story isn’t any more stunning or tragic than those of Robert Enke, Mike Flanagan, Derek Boogaard, or any of the non-celebrities that I’ve heard about. For whatever reason hearing about Speed pushed me into a funk and made me question myself more for the past two weeks than at any other moment in my life.)
The problem with depression is that it can hit at any moment, it’s triggered by nothing tangible, and it drops a veil around you that, even if you are conscious of it, can be very difficult to lift. There is nothing but loneliness behind that veil no matter how big the crowd surrounding you. Behind the veil lie anger, resentment, sadness, self-pity, and desperation. There are moments when I can see myself being rude, closed off, and unhappy but no matter how much I hate myself for it; I can’t prevent it. The worst part is that I have friends and family who care about me and want to help but no matter how sincere their efforts it only makes me feel more pathetic and useless. I’ve always felt that I can control it despite years worth of examples when I couldn’t. I try to play it off as just sadness about the end of my summer in Phoenix, about the lack of a job or about living at home, but I know that no matter how happy I seem, I am always on edge about when that veil will drop next and when everything that seems positive in my life will be warped by my mind into another failure.
So, I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I have cried, I have had panic attacks, I have sat and stared at my wall, and I have tried so many times to write about how I feel. I don’t want family, friends, or anyone else who reads my blog (ok so its just family and friends but just in case) to fear for me or to feel bad for me. I’m not writing all of this for pity, just to explain where I’ve been at these past few months and from how far down I’m trying to recover.
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I can remember that moment when I was sitting in my driveway, all my possessions stacked around me so I could barely see the mirrors, and I was looking into a future that seemed settled. I was going to move to Phoenix and everything was going to be new and bright and fantastic.
I remember feeling good about myself and I remember looking into the rearview mirror, smiling, and saying ‘I actually feel really proud.' (Then feeling weird cause I was sitting in the car talking to myself.)
Now my memories of the desert are filled with regret. Not about the relationship that I wanted to be the last of my life, not about the job offer that came the week I left, not about the sunshine and warmth (ok I regret coming back to a New England winter), but I regretted the build-up to that morning when I got in my car and drove off. I regret the parties, the good-byes, and the support I received. I regret it all because I have never before let so many people down. Driving back home was a failure, not just to myself but to all my friends and family who wished me well.
I need to redeem myself, but I don’t know how. I need to succeed not only for myself, but to prove I’m not the loser that my aborted stay in Phoenix made me.
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This is becoming a novel. It’s also apparently a William Faulkner novel since it will make no sense to anyone but the author. I will try to end the novel on a bright note for anyone who may have made it this far.
I appreciate everyone that has been there for me my whole life. I’ve needed every bit of it. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to express my appreciation better, especially these past few months. It’s now time to get moving. I need to get out of my head, to take some chances, and to make my own happiness instead of counting on everyone else to do it for me.
