Mohawks on the Brink

Millis-Hopedale players celebrating a touchdown in their playoff game against Mashpee.

The scoreboard read Mashpee 30 and Millis-Hopedale 12, but anyone who knew the back story, who had seen how hard this team worked to get to this point or who had watched the program dwindle to near-extinction could be forgiven for not caring about the final score.

The players hung around the field long after the final whistle as though clinging to the season; willing it to continue just a little longer. Eventually, with tears streaming down many of their faces, the team made its way to the locker room, to the buses, and to the adoring fans who knew that it does not get much better than this.

Senior captain Jimmy Perkins encapsulated the feelings of the team after the game: “Looking back, you can’t be mad at what we accomplished. I wasn’t mad about losing, just that the road had come to an end.”

It is only in looking back on the road that brought Millis football to the brink of the Super Bowl that one can understand why the community valued the shared experience far more than winning or losing.

The threat of extinction makes everything relative.

*******

In the summer of 2009, Head Coach Dale Olmsted held a mandatory meeting for anyone interested in becoming a member of the Mohawks. Only 18 players showed up.

“It was very disappointing for kids and coaches,” said Olmsted. “Lifting and coaching clinics start in February and every year it decreased. Kids were reluctant to come out because of the way the team was getting beaten.”

A demographic shift had hit the town of Millis over the preceding decades and a lack of growth in the community was finally affecting the high school population. With only 199 boys in the school, there was a small pool to choose from. Smaller numbers meant success on the field was less likely, which led to even fewer students wanting to play.

It was a vicious cycle that school administrators feared might trickle down from athletics to the overall school population. According to Principal Bob Mullaney, “There are no conclusive statistics, but it’s a concern that with no football program, we would certainly have kids moving out of the district.”

Following the meeting in August, it was clear something drastic needed to be done to save football at Millis High. Dennis Breen, then principal of Hopedale High, approached Mullaney at a principal’s conference and suggested the idea of pooling resources. Hopedale, without a football program of its own, could supply players and Millis could supply the infrastructure to get the team on the field.

Breen, who is currently the Superintendent of Schools in Hopedale, was a former Millis captain and saw an opportunity to save his alma mater while giving his students “a great opportunity.” He added, “Hopedale was never going to be big enough to support a football team and I felt this would be a good marriage.”

The idea intrigued Millis Athletic Director Chuck Grant; but with only a few weeks until the first game there were a number of details that needed to be worked out before approaching parents in either town. Fortunately, in 2009 the Tri-Valley League had split into two divisions, meaning that the combined Millis-Hopedale team would not have to compete with D1 programs like Holliston and Hopkinton for a playoff berth.

With the playoff situation already settled prior to the proposed merger, the MIAA worked quickly to assist the schools so the season could begin without a hiccup. Olmsted put it succinctly: “It was better than thinking about it. There was no time, we had to just react to the situation.”

Despite the logistics of creating a practice schedule, finding rides for the players from Hopedale, buying uniforms, and a thousand other details that still needed to be worked out, the two schools were in agreement that this was the right path.

Now they just had to convince the players and their families.

Tri-Valley League MVP Jimmy Perkins races in for a touchdown on Thanksgiving Day

against Medway. Perkins rushed for over 1,600 yards on the season

*******

It had been five years since Millis had last beaten Norton. Two wins to begin the year, over Latin Academy and Carver, had given the team confidence but everyone knew that in order to win the TVL and to reach the playoffs, they had to go through the Lancers.

On a muddy Adams Field the Mohawks would announce to the rest of the league that there was a new contender for the crown.

Jimmy Perkins, Millis’ 5-foot-7 running back, set the tone for the game with a 43-yard halfback option pass for a touchdown on the first series, and the team never looked back. Perkins would rush for 195 yards and three scores and the Mohawks secured the victory that pushed them to the top of the TVL standings.

“Norton was the defining game when we knew we had the chance to be special,” said senior captain and linebacker Mike Meuse. “I had been to the Super Bowl three times in Pop Warner, and I wanted to win again.”

*******

The immediate reaction from the players and their families when the plan for a merger was presented in late August of 2009 was not outright hostility, but it was certainly cautious. The combination of Principal Breen’s knowledge of Millis High and the no-nonsense honesty of Coach Olmsted had to serve as a balm to ease some of their fears.

“We hated it. Some town we never even heard of is going to be playing with us,” said Meuse.

According to Perkins, “At first we were all hesitant just bringing in another town to play with us. We all wanted to make sure no one from Hopedale took one of our spots.”

In meetings with parents from both towns Grant, Breen, and Olmsted emphasized the similarities between Hopedale and Millis. These are two small, working-class towns that missed the technology boom and the development that came along with it. These are blue-collar towns that share the toughness and love for community that is the backbone of small, formerly industrial, New England towns.

Once the players got on the field all the concerns melted away. Suddenly, they were Mohawks and it did not matter which town they came from because once they put on the Millis-Hopedale jersey they were a team. Mullaney noted, “The kids right from the start got along great. They all love football and that is their common bond,”

The Millis and Hopedale communities had little time to acclimate to the radical changes before the 2009 season began, but once the season was underway there was no question that the right move had been made.

“Proud is an understatement,” said Grant. “The carpools, donating gas money to get to practices, all with no guarantee of anything more than getting in shape.  Coach Olmsted deserves credit for inspiring the kids to come back to the program without the guarantee of winning.”

The merger was given credibility with the players because the coaches ensured that everyone was treated the same. Being late to a practice held the same punishment whether battling traffic from Hopedale or getting stuck in the hallways at Millis. Players were given the same opportunities and worked just as hard regardless of what color jersey they wore in other sports. Instead of focusing on the separate schools, the coaches forced the players to concentrate on the shared goals of attendance, grades, and winning football games.

Coach Dale Olmsted's honesty and focus on putting the best team on the field

helped ease tensions between players.

*******

“Westwood was the best game,” said Mike Muese, the league’s Defensive MVP. “They have this giant sledgehammer they put on midfield. We haven’t won there in years and it was pouring rain. That was great.”

Winning against the TVL’s expected champion was a giant step but it was the game against Westwood that would give the Mohawks legitimacy with a much wider audience. As Grant put it, “The win over Westwood showed we belonged.”

The Mohawks jumped on top early with quarterback Bay Tangney finding Derek Latosek for a score. Then sophomore defensive lineman Jon Baker recovered a fumble deep in Wolverines’ territory. Perkins, the league’s Offensive MVP, powered his way into the end zone from two yards out giving Millis-Hopedale a 12-0 lead.

A 38-minute lightning delay following the score stalled the Mohawks momentum and seemed an omen of a Westwood comeback as the Wolverines got on the board several plays later. The Mohawks defense fought through the conditions and Joey Meuse had a key interception to preserve a reputation-building win for the squad.

*******

Following a 3-8 season in 2010, the second year of the merger, Coach Olmsted and his staff implemented a strict off-season workout program at Joel St. Cyr’s Sports Performance Academy in Franklin. The program put the players through weeks of grueling, early Saturday morning lifting sessions. The team was pushed to its limits as the coaches knew that only through hard work in the gym could the team change its fortunes on the field.

“These are blue-collar towns with tough kids who are willing to put in the work,” said Olmsted. “We had been under .500 for almost a decade and the hard work put in the foundation for a great season.”

The work in the gym brought the team even closer. Players from both towns proved to each other the lengths they would go to in order win. “The Hopedale kids showed they were willing to bleed for us,” said Meuse. “It’s nice knowing someone has your back and is willing to put in the work.”

Perkins agreed, “The off-season workouts were the main difference (between 2010 and 2011). We did it as a team and it was really important that we had done it together.”

For Grant the work itself was an achievement, whether it translated to wins on the field or not, “These kids learned to never stop working hard. Winning football games won’t make you successful but working hard will.”

The hard work in the gym was important, but there were also signs of improvement on the field. The team made a late season run that, because of numerous injuries to upperclassmen, had given the younger players much needed experience. There was confidence flowing throughout the program for the first time in years and, before the 2011 season began, Coach Olmsted walked into Chuck Grant’s office to predict that this season, “We’re going to make some noise.”

*******

“Alumni kept coming up to us before the game to tell us how important this game was,” said Perkins. According to Meuse, “Alumni kept coming up to thank us for getting us back on the map.”

The Thanksgiving Day game is a rich tradition in Massachusetts and for most schools, Millis included, it is the biggest rivalry. It is a game that gets circled on the schedule before all others. The cliché is that Millis-Hopedale can go 1-10 as long as that one victory is the Medway game. Unfortunately it had been eight years since the last Mohawks win in the 82-year rivalry.

It was another rainy day, another muddy field, and another performance to force people to take notice of the newly-crowned TVL small division champions. The 2011 Mohawks had taken on a ‘team of destiny’ look and on Thanksgiving morning at Welch Field they once again stepped up and wrote a new chapter in their incredible comeback story.

After a Perkins touchdown and an Ian Strom touchdown reception made it 12-0, Medway cut the lead with a dramatic 90-yard kick-off return. In most seasons this would be the point where Millis faltered and the Mustangs pushed on to take the win, as they had done 46 other times in the series.

This was not ‘most’ seasons.

Millis-Hopedale took their very next drive 54 yards on six plays for the touchdown that put the game away. Tangney dove for the score from one-yard out, which allowed the home crowd to exhale and celebrate the win over their archrivals.

Now the Mohawks could turn their focus to the Division 4 playoffs against unbeaten Mashpee.

*******

There was a time when Millis football making it to the playoffs was not only unsurprising- it was expected. Historically Millis was a powerhouse in the Tri-Valley League and it is a history that Coach Olmsted and the program hope to recapture.

Under legendary coach Ernie Richards the Mohawks won numerous league titles, a state title in 1980, and had an undefeated season in 1994. The program’s last trip to the Super Bowl was 1999. Twelve years does not seem that long ago, but considering the circumstances, it might as well have been the 19^th century.

The players were always reminded of their part in the Millis High legacy. The coaching staff was filled with former Millis players including Brian Rizzutti, Class of ’90, Jack O’Rourke, Class of ’69, and James Heffernan, Class of ’00. There was no attempt to forget the past. History was used as an added spur to push the players to greater success.

If the players needed more incentive they only needed to walk the halls on the Monday after a big win. With banners adorning the walls, students cheering them on, and the instant cache that football confers, more than any other high school sport, the players became superstars within the small communities of Millis and Hopedale.

Both principals saw this impact the first week of the school year. Bob Mullaney commented, “When you begin the year with a successful football team it adds to the spirit. It’s another reason for kids to want to come to school.”

Dennis Breen, who watched football transform the spirit of his students when it was introduced in 2009, said, “Sometimes starting back at school can be tough, but success on the field can create a camaraderie, a spirit in the building unlike any of the other sports. This season has been so much fun.”

The Friday Night Lights phenomena is not limited to the Southern U.S., but is played out in different ways throughout the country. With little to do on a Friday night in Millis, the whole community packs into Welch Field and cheer on their team, visits the concession stand, purchases their new maroon and blue sweatshirts, and provides inspiration for even more success.

Chuck Grant points out that the benefits extend beyond the confines of athletics, “It gives the players instant credibility at the school. It creates instant leaders in the classrooms. If you see the captains behaving a certain way then the other players will follow suit.”

******

As the fans piled out of Taunton High School there was no discussion about 2009, there was no talk about whether the Hopedale players were needed, and there was no mention of the still-unbeaten Mashpee Falcons. This was a maroon-and-blue army full of proud smiles, even in defeat.

Mashpee advanced to Gillette Stadium with a 30-12 win, but on the Mohawks sideline there were no regrets about the loss. There was no disappointment at not taking the final step to the Super Bowl, only recognition of their achievement at having come so far.

Coach Olmsted emphasized, “We are not trying to have great seasons. The goal is to make a great program.”

The Millis-Hopedale Mohawks brought two communities together, created a team, and saved a historic football program that was in danger of disappearing. Along the way, they proved that hard work and perseverance could accomplish great things.

From the work of Chuck Grant in those few weeks before the 2009 season, to the parents who made sure the players made it to each practice on-time, to the coaching staff pushing each player to reach his fullest potential, to the players giving up their Saturday mornings for a punishing workout program, the Mohawks are a study in power of determination.

The story of the 2011 Millis-Hopedale Mohawks ended without the ultimate prize, but the players are not disappointed. They understand that sometimes it is the path that you take that matters far more than the trophies that get handed to you at the end.

Jimmy Perkins, the Boston Globe and Boston Herald All-Scholastic and Tri-Valley League MVP: “I wasn’t mad that we lost, just that road had come to an end. I think about it everyday. It was the best experience of my life. I couldn’t ask for anything more from my senior year.”

Fellow captain Mike Meuse, the Tri-Valley League Defensive MVP and TVL All-Star: “I cried after the (Mashpee) game not because we didn’t go to the Super Bowl but because we wouldn’t have anymore practices- that the season was over. I cried because I wouldn’t be with my brothers anymore.”

Ed. note- Special thanks to Dennis Breen, Chuck Grant, Bob Mullaney, Dale Olmsted, Jimmy Perkins, and Mike Meuse for agreeing to be interviewed for the story. Also, thanks to Michelle Jones and Tony Risica Photography for the images used in the article.

Mohawks on the Brink (Layout)

Here's the layout to my article on the Millis-Hopedale Mohawks and their path from near extinction to the brink of a Super Bowl appearance. I'm going to post another blog later with text that's a little bit easier to read.

Attleboro seniors discuss interesting four years

The 2011-12 basketball season has come to a close for the Attleboro High Lady Bombardiers and with it the four-year varsity careers of senior captains Emily Mayer and Savannah Boyle. The pair walked straight into the varsity squad as freshman on a team that went on to win the Old Colony League title despite only totaling eight regular season wins and even won a playoff game before nearly pulling off a remarkable upset at the #1-seed, Bridegwater-Raynham.

It must have seemed as though the program was about to take off, but instead, a tumultuous four years later, the girls would struggle to win as many games in the rest of their careers as they did in their first season alone. Following their last home game as Attleboro High basketball players, Emily and Savannah graciously answered questions about their four years at Attleboro High, the coaching changes, and their memories from four years as Lady Bombardiers:

How difficult was it as a freshman to walk right on to the varsity team?

S.B.- It was scary at first, but the girls were so easy to get along with, and the team really welcomed me in. The only thing that was difficult was getting used to the fast pace.

E.M.- My goal had always been to make varsity as a freshman, and I became especially motivated during the summer before 8^th grade, when Savannah and I were asked to play in a few varsity summer league games. We played pretty good, and at that point, I think we realized that making the team after another year of middle school could be a reality. Going into tryouts, I was definitely nervous, but felt confident that I could hang with the older girls.

What has been the biggest improvement in your game in your four years?

S.B. - My leadership and outside shooting.

E.M. - Season after season, I’ve focused on making quicker decisions: shooting, passing, and moving at a faster pace. While I am by no means the fastest one on the court, I think my decision-making is one of my greatest assets, and I feel confident knowing and anticipating what move I intend to make with the ball.

Your first season was probably the deepest team in recent years and even won a road playoff game at Franklin; did you feel like you would make the playoffs and be successful every year?

S.B. - That was quite a special team. Of course I hoped for the same success each year, but we lost a lot of talent.

E.M. - It felt great to be on a successful team as a freshman, and of course I hoped that the tradition of winning would continue throughout my high school career.  However, knowing that the entire team was graduating except for Savannah and me gave us the realistic view that the remaining seasons would definitely become a lot tougher and more challenging…

Since that crop of seniors left the team has struggled, what do you think has been the reason for that?

E.M. - The leadership and experience of those eight seniors were invaluable to our team during my freshman year. They had been playing together since middle school, and each player brought a different strength to the team, whether it was Jenna’s unbelievable quickness or Allie’s height. When they left, there was definitely a lack of experience, and it took time for most of the girls to become accustomed to playing at the varsity level.

What are your thoughts about playing under Coach Riley?

E.M. - I had a great experience playing for Coach Riley for three years. I think he was a dedicated coach, putting all of his time and effort into our program. Each year, he wanted and coached to win, and as a result he would play the girls who were going to be most effective at working towards that goal. I respected his patience with having such an inexperienced team, and I appreciated his commitment as he tried to get the best basketball out of each player.

S.B. - I respect Coach Riley and appreciate everything he has done for me. He always pushed me to strive for the best, and helped me to improve my game.

Were you excited when you heard that Missy Traversi would be taking over the program?

S.B. - Honestly I was nervous at first, but from the minute she introduced herself I could tell she had a serious love for the game and wouldn’t quit until she taught us everything she could, and made us the best we could be.

E.M. - I had heard and known of Coach growing up; playing against her AAU teams and listening to her speak when I was in middle school. I was confident that she would bring an abundance of positive change to our program, and looked forward to working with and learning from her in the upcoming season.

Was it difficult going into your senior year knowing that such a drastic change was being made to the program?

E.M. - At first, I was definitely unsure of what my senior season would be like.  It was more the fear of the unknown, and honestly I’m not one for change, but after a few practices I knew everything was going to work out for the best and I became pretty excited to have a new atmosphere around our team.

S.B. - I tend to let things (roll) off my back. My focus was on my game, and what I could do to improve. I just wanted to play the best for my team because that’s all I could control.

What has been the biggest difference between this season under Coach Traversi and the years under Coach Riley?

S.B. - Coach Traversi is more of a strengthening and conditioning coach, but other than that they both love coaching the game of basketball, and would do anything to make us a better player.

Is there a benefit to having a female coach and does it impact on how you relate to them as a coach?

S.B. - Yes, because it’s great to have a female role model to look up to. Also they can understand us more as female athletes.

E.M. - I think that female coaches tend to pay closer attention to team bonds and issues, and work to make sure the girls are positively communicating and interacting. Being able to admire a female role model is also beneficial, as we try to grow into leaders and influential women ourselves.

What were your thoughts when you heard that Bri Hochwarter had been injured during the summer? Do you think that this season would've been a little different if you had Bri on the court?

S.B. - Bri’s a nice girl, good player and a great teammate. You feel for the girl having to miss a whole season. Not once did she let her injury bring her down, instead she worked hard to get better and has always been there to support the team. We could have used her shooting, especially in those close games. Also if we had her I think it would have relieved pressure off our point guards.

E.M. - It was a huge shock finding out that Bri was injured during one of our summer league games. It’s terrible when anyone gets hurt, and of course I felt awful that one of my teammates was going through such a painful experience. Bri was a huge contributor to our team’s offense and scoring column, so we definitely lost a key shooter. As a result, the team had to find other ways to score, and I think a variety of players were able to step up during the season.

When you began you walked onto a team that had a lot of seniors, what have you learned in your four years to be the leaders and captains this season?

E.M. - Our freshman year, the seniors were like big sisters to Savannah and I. They watched out for us, both on and off the court, and were excellent role models. Going into my senior year, I knew I wanted to emulate how those eight seniors behaved and acted.  With a young team, I’ve recognized that support and encouragement are of the utmost importance.  I’ve worked to lead by example, and hope that my hard work has inspired my teammates to give their all each and every game.

S.B. - I learned to lead by example, always work hard and to never take any play off. Also that the little extra hustle plays make a big difference.

Where do you see the program heading in the future, is it on the right track?

S.B. - If they can get the youth interested in basketball earlier, there is no doubt in my mind that the program will get better.

E.M. - I think that as the years go on, new groups of talent will move up to the high school, and hopefully propel our team to success.  I have a little sister in 6^th grade, and I’m looking forward to watching her play at the high school in just a few years.

What are your favorite memories from playing at Attleboro?

S.B. - I have so many memories, but my favorite were becoming League Champions my freshman year. Also I won’t forget tying the second best single game performance for AHS with 31 points.

E.M. - Looking back, I know I’ll remember the little things from the past four years: lining up for the national anthem, huddling at center court my freshman year, Coach Riley’s blue bag of candy, hanging my poster on the gym wall, running down the court for warm-ups, the anticipation of hearing my name called in the starting line-up, and even Sunday morning practices. Every year, the team changes and people come and go, but through all of that I’ve always had Savannah, and we experienced the ups and downs of this program together. It’s an unbelievable coincidence that our last game this Wednesday will be played at Durfee High School, which is actually where our high school careers began four years ago.  I’m sure it’ll be a “full-circle” moment that I won’t forget.

Best of 2011

We're heading into 2012 so I guess it's time for the annual "Best of" lists to start coming out. I'll start with the best stories of the last year that I worked at DoubleACS. One of these may have technically been produced in December of 2010 but that's just semantics.

The best part of this interview was me having to run back to the studio to get a battery for the camera since I forgot it as I was leaving. I apologized for it only to have Maddie tell me to "never let it happen again". That sense of humor and relaxed attitude was obvious throughout our conversation as though she was amazed that this would be a story at all. I was astounded by the courage that she, and her family, showed in the situation and the remarkable recovery that she made.

Concussions are a serious issue at all levels of athletics and for some reason when Massachusetts created a law forcing the MIAA to make changes to its regulations and education no one seemed to make a big deal about it. Part of the problem was that no one was quite sure what it would mean for schools, athletes, coaches, or parents. That's still an issue but I was thankful that at least the issue was being addressed.

This was one of my favorite interviews that I did while working at DoubleACS, partially because it came out pretty well but also because it's much easier to interview someone who is excited about the topic. Missy had tons of energy and an infectious enthusiasm for the new job.

This last video I didn't finish editing, but conducted the interview and found the clips from the game action. I had never seen him smile before this interview. He played with aggression and a scowl and until I spoke with him off the field I had no idea he was a funny, gregarious kid. 

http://aacs15.com/?q=node/2878/play

United right where they belong

News filtered through the Twitter-verse this morning that Manchester United might be handed a lifeline into the Champions League knockoutstages. FC Basel’s position in the Round of 16 is in jeopardy because of a battle between UEFA, the Swiss FA, and FC Sion. Now United fans are clinging to the hope of a bureaucratic qualification.

(Before I go forward with my argument I want to say that I understand what I will propose would never in a million years happen, that large sums of money mean far more than anything else in the era of Glazer-nomics and modern football, plus I’m not even sure that UEFA would allow it BUT I’m all for wishful thinking.)

I think that given the opportunity to take a spot in the knockout round because of issues with Sion and the Swiss FA that United should pass on it and continue on in the Europa League. They had their chance to qualify over the last two games of the group stage against teams that should’ve been beaten and they blew it. They are where they deserve to be and just because UEFA creates an opening doesn’t mean that they should accept it.

This is in some respects an ethical issue. If you didn’t earn the spot on the field, in fact you wasted your opportunity in the easiest group in the competition, then you shouldn’t just be handed a ‘get out of jail free card’. Also, how is it fair to Basel who played outstanding in both games against United and earned their place on the pitch? It makes no sense to punish them for the actions of another team in their league.

This is also about needing to accept limitations. While United always seem to pick up steam around the holidays and the second half of the season, there have been very few Champions League-worthy performances. In the league they’ve been solid if unspectacular but in Europe it has been far worse. Constant lineup changes, some forced and some not, have shown the squad's scary lack of depth. This isn’t a time of rebuilding but it’s certainly a transitional period from the team of Giggs, Scholes, Neville, and Ferdinand to the team of Welbeck, Jones, Cleverley, and Rooney. Playing in the Thursday-Sunday schedule of the Europa League may force Sir Alex’s hand to allow more time for reserve and youth players that many fans have been clamoring to see such as Paul Pogba, Will Keane, and the always interesting Ravel Morrison. Taking this pass to the knockout stages will only cover over the need to hasten the transition.

(Case in point, the last time United was knocked out in the group stages they were knocked out of Europe entirely, also in what should’ve been a routine group. That was in 2005, from 2006-11 the team won the Champions League title and made two more finals, one of the best European run in the club’s history. Sometimes a slap is needed to wake everyone up and get refocused.)

This is also about curiosity. With all due respect to the great teams of Europe I’m kind of interested in United taking on Ajax, Athletic Bilbao, Atletico Madrid, or Udinese. For some reason the novelty factor seems really strong, for me at least, to play in the “secondary” competition. The “penalty” of the Europa League is an interesting test with plenty of challenges ahead. Of course there is always the possibility of a Manchester derby in Bucharest in the spring, which is reason enough to say no to sneaking back into the Champions League.

I know that United are not going to say no to millions of dollars, they are on the side of Harry Redknapp who seems to think that a team should either finish in the top 4 or bottom half to avoid the Europa League, and, given the team’s penchant for finding form after the busy Christmas period, there is still the belief that they could win the competition.

In the end this will end up being a moot point, there is no way the Swiss FA hurts itself and Basel by fighting UEFA, but if it happens and United are given that backdoor pass they should have the guts to say, “thanks, but no thanks”.

2011 Red Sox Collapse

It’s been 77 days since the regular season came to a close on September 28^th and it has taken me just about that long to collect my thoughts on the atrocity of blowing a 9 ½ game lead in a single month.

The two worst Red Sox collapses in the time that I have been a conscious fan of the team, which discounts 1986 because I was 7 and I’m not sure I even watched the games, have come during two of my most difficult Falls personally. The team’s effort seemed to strongly mirror my own attitude.

2003 will always be the worst collapse because everything seemed perfect. The glorious success that all Red Sox fans had hoped for was in our grasp and our ace, our favorite, Pedro had put the Yankees in their place, but...

By the time Boone ended the season I had left my friends to go home because I just couldn’t take the pain of the inevitable loss.

For reasons I’m not getting into here, 2003 was by far the worst time for me personally and, by a degree of magnitude, is far worse than the current situation. The same can be said for the record-setting atrocity that was the Red Sox in September.

Unlike 2003, there was always something about this year’s squad that seemed weak. The lineup was amazing. Jacoby Ellsbury and Adrien Gonzalez were legitimate MVP candidates, Marco Scutaro dominated the final month, David Ortiz found the fountain of youth (fingers crossed that it wasn’t the fountain of PED but at this point would anything surprise you?), and the combination of Jared Saltalamacchia and Jason Varitek combined to be a mostly productive catcher. Despite the missing in action JD Drew (finally giving up on the pretense of trying to play once a week) and Kevin Youkilis (karma’s a bitch) the Sox were an offensive machine.

The problem that everyone could see coming, but no one wanted to admit, was that the pitching staff sucked. John Lester regressed into a nibbler and always seemed to be pitching out of jams and seemed incapable of getting into the 7^th inning. Josh Beckett seemed to be back to his best but there has been confusion on whether or not this was just a lot of good luck or great stuff (and you could read all of the articles on the subject in the time it took him to throw a pitch). Injuries took their toll leaving the fans to watch Kyle Weiland, Andrew Miller, Eric Bedard, and Tim Wakefield try to scrape enough innings to finish the season.

Then there was John Lackey. I want to be sympathetic as he obviously pitched through a lot of pain both physically and emotionally, but the stink of his starts (6.41 ERA, .302 BAA, 1.62 WHIP) won’t be washed away simply with pity. There was never enough blame to go around after he would allow 11 ringing line drives in 5 innings. It was always the stadium design, poor defense, or just bad luck, never just bad pitches left over the middle of the plate. His elbow was always great during bullpen sessions just not when there was an actual hitter at the plate. I hope he comes out in 2013 and is lights out, but I’d be just as happy to see him pitching for the Nationals when that happens.

I don’t want to go into the behind-the-scenes drama that has engulfed the team since the season ended except to say that I can’t erase the image of our starters lined up on the couch in the clubhouse smothered in empty KFC buckets and gravy looking like White Goodman from the final scene of Dodgeball.

It was time for Theo and Tito to move on. It’s been a great nine-year run but new energy was needed. Thanks for introducing the Duck Boat parade to Boston and good luck but it is time to find the next great manager. I’m disappointed that they didn’t take the chance on Sandy Alomar, Jr. he could have been the kind of ex-player/leader that this team was crying out for. Bobby Valentine will keep the seat warm for two years, hopefully for the second choice way back in 2003, Joe Maddon.

The front office is a disaster but the lineup is going to be pretty close to what it was this year. Right field will be up for grabs and Ryan Kalish may finally get his chance at a regular roster spot. If Carl Crawford returns after a season of swinging the bat like Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000 (RIP) then the outfield should be solid. I would love for them to try and trade Youk but who wants an oft injured, angry, teammate bashing, and regressing third baseman? I’m not sold on the return of Kelly Shoppach but look around the league and find more than a handful of catchers that you really want behind the plate everyday.

The focus needs to be on the rotation. There is talk of turning Daniel Bard and Alfredo Aceves into starters, Clay Buchholz should return from injury, Junichi Tazawa will get a bigger look and now a closer has been brought in from the Astros. There is no reason for the panic that has engulfed Red Sox Nation.

The fans have returned to the pre-2004 levels of despair over what has transpired since September 1^st. There has to be the recognition that after the collapse of 2003, when it seemed that the only chance we had of ever seeing the Red Sox make the World Series had slipped from our grasp, the team was even better in 2004 and took home the title. Relax fans it will be better again, the team will regroup, the core will return chastened, and the Red Sox will battle for the playoffs just like they always do.

4 Months of Regret

Growing up I was the kid that played laser tag by finding the closest tree to the house and standing behind it hoping with fingers crossed that I would be found right away and could go stand in “jail”. Instead of reveling in the freedom of the shadows, the woods, and the dark I craved the security of a crowd, a fire, or the backyard light.

I don’t enjoy swimming in the ocean. Sure, when I was a kid I’d go to Scarborough Beach to body surf and if I’m drunk at Block Island I’ll jump right in (so I’ve been told) but I can’t get over not being able to see what is below me.

I don’t like outdoor parties where I’m straining to see by the light of a couple of tiki torches or camping where a few pieces of kindling are the only thing separating me from total darkness. I want to be where everything is illuminated.

This isn’t just about a childish fear of the dark (although it’s that too) but about the metaphor of avoiding the unknown. It’s about my needing the security blanket of friends and family and my inability to strike out on my own to find my way through unforeseen adversity. We’ve all seen enough horror movies to know that what shocks and frightens us most is what we don’t see coming, what we can’t anticipate.

I have lived most of my life hidden underneath my security blanket. I am the scared little kid sucking his thumb because I’m afraid the monsters under my bed are going to get me. I am a creature of habit because there is safety in routines. There is security in never taking a chance.

I know the way to break the cycle of misery that I’ve been in since August is to push myself, to face up to my demons, and to venture out into the darkness and see what I’m capable of. It’s time to grow up, to stop imagining the dangers hidden in every shadow, and to push myself into a brave new world to succeed or fail on my own. It’s time to stop making excuses, to stop holding back, to stop waiting for someone to hand it all to me.

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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide. I don’t need someone to take away my shoelaces or sharp objects, but every night when I’m lying at home wondering if I’ll be able to pay my bills, every morning when I wake up wondering if it’s even worth getting out of bed, my heart starts racing, my mind swirls with worst case scenarios and I can’t help but wondering, ‘Would it just be easier if…’

Last weekend I woke up on Sunday morning, did my usual scan of Twitter, and read about Gary Speed found hanged in his house. I was shook to my core. Possibly it was the cold brutality implied in that particular method of suicide or the shocking randomness of who died, but I felt overwhelmed. I’ve been depressed my whole life (not diagnosed, but I’m not going to get many people who argue otherwise) but I haven’t felt as empty as I have in these past few months since high school. For some reason, I was suddenly afraid of myself and for myself. I kept thinking, “If he could do it…”

(I’ve tried to figure out why Gary Speed hit me so hard. I’ve watched him play and I know it seemed so out of character from the player everyone admired, but his story isn’t any more stunning or tragic than those of Robert Enke, Mike Flanagan, Derek Boogaard, or any of the non-celebrities that I’ve heard about. For whatever reason hearing about Speed pushed me into a funk and made me question myself more for the past two weeks than at any other moment in my life.)

The problem with depression is that it can hit at any moment, it’s triggered by nothing tangible, and it drops a veil around you that, even if you are conscious of it, can be very difficult to lift. There is nothing but loneliness behind that veil no matter how big the crowd surrounding you. Behind the veil lie anger, resentment, sadness, self-pity, and desperation. There are moments when I can see myself being rude, closed off, and unhappy but no matter how much I hate myself for it; I can’t prevent it. The worst part is that I have friends and family who care about me and want to help but no matter how sincere their efforts it only makes me feel more pathetic and useless. I’ve always felt that I can control it despite years worth of examples when I couldn’t. I try to play it off as just sadness about the end of my summer in Phoenix, about the lack of a job or about living at home, but I know that no matter how happy I seem, I am always on edge about when that veil will drop next and when everything that seems positive in my life will be warped by my mind into another failure.

So, I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I have cried, I have had panic attacks, I have sat and stared at my wall, and I have tried so many times to write about how I feel. I don’t want family, friends, or anyone else who reads my blog (ok so its just family and friends but just in case) to fear for me or to feel bad for me. I’m not writing all of this for pity, just to explain where I’ve been at these past few months and from how far down I’m trying to recover.

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I can remember that moment when I was sitting in my driveway, all my possessions stacked around me so I could barely see the mirrors, and I was looking into a future that seemed settled. I was going to move to Phoenix and everything was going to be new and bright and fantastic.

I remember feeling good about myself and I remember looking into the rearview mirror, smiling, and saying ‘I actually feel really proud.' (Then feeling weird cause I was sitting in the car talking to myself.)

Now my memories of the desert are filled with regret. Not about the relationship that I wanted to be the last of my life, not about the job offer that came the week I left, not about the sunshine and warmth (ok I regret coming back to a New England winter), but I regretted the build-up to that morning when I got in my car and drove off. I regret the parties, the good-byes, and the support I received. I regret it all because I have never before let so many people down. Driving back home was a failure, not just to myself but to all my friends and family who wished me well.

I need to redeem myself, but I don’t know how. I need to succeed not only for myself, but to prove I’m not the loser that my aborted stay in Phoenix made me.

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This is becoming a novel. It’s also apparently a William Faulkner novel since it will make no sense to anyone but the author. I will try to end the novel on a bright note for anyone who may have made it this far.

I appreciate everyone that has been there for me my whole life. I’ve needed every bit of it. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to express my appreciation better, especially these past few months. It’s now time to get moving. I need to get out of my head, to take some chances, and to make my own happiness instead of counting on everyone else to do it for me.

Easier said than done but it’s time to try...